I look outside at the bare trees in the yard. They look so cold and lifeless.
When I look across the road at the mountain, so beautiful in all its fall splendor, now looking so barren. All its colorful leaves have scattered off somewhere into yesterday.
There is no ice glistening from the trees creating a beautiful winter wonderland this year. There is only a scattering of snow on the ground, not enough to make a snowman or make snow angels, just enough to remind us that we are in the dead of winter.
That is just how I am feeling these days. I have retreated to my chair in a very gloomy mood. It is getting harder and harder to get up and down the stairs these days which has made me very depressed. I feel like I have just about given up to the gloom and doom around me.
My family has begun to notice that I haven't even been making an effort these days. It has been a rough year with too many losses. My friend Kathy's mother, my mothers best friend, and of course, my dear childhood friend, Janice.
There are also so many names missing in our COPD family.
I have tried to help Kathy and Janice's' husband, Jim, both, through their grief while putting my own grief on hold, but now, in the dead of winter, I am feeling all those losses.
I have seen all these people die of cancer. They all went so peacefully,every one of them were so ready to go. They all fought hard until the will to leave was stronger than the will to stay. After being with them at the end, I am no longer afraid to die. I know that I have the promise that we will all be together again, someday.
I also know that I have things holding me here. My granddaughter and I had a fight over a CD that one of her friends gave her. I had read the lyrics and was shocked by the content. She finally came to see why she couldn't keep it. I wonder who will check her CDs when I am no longer here.
After much fuss and many tears she kissed me goodnight and said," Don't worry Grandma, I will be a good mother when I grew up, and check my children's' things."
It seems like whenever I get down like this, from somewhere comes the reasons to make the effort.
I want to keep my grand daughter safe as long as I can, and teach her how to handle the things that life might throw at her.
I only hope that I can give her a good foundation to grow on...
My son and his young wife came home to show me the sonogram picture of my new grandchild. I look at the picture in amazement. I am to have another granddaughter. My daughter in law takes my hand and places it on her growing belly to feel the new life stirring inside her. I feel the child move...
Yes, there are reasons to make the effort, and I remember that Spring will be coming again. Tish Feb,2007