Out of the Closet
Shortly after my diagnosis with COPD, I joined the COPD Support, Inc. Family of support programs. It was there that I met and began working as a volunteer with my friend and mentor, Cecil Montgomery. Some months later I wrote this letter to Cecil asking for his help.
A Letter to Cecil
(creeeaaakkkk)
Hi Cecil, That sound you hear is my closet door opening. And this note you're reading is the toughest one I'll ever have to write to you. Because you'll feel like I lied to you (but I didn't, you never asked) and you'll think I didn't trust you (but it's me I didn't trust) maybe you'll feel like you can't trust me (but you can, just not where my own well being is concerned) and you'll be angry because I should have more sense, I know better. And you know the cost of my behavior, I'm way past the "risk" stage, now I'm just going further and further into debt to the piper.
Cecil, I'm still smoking.
I started about a month after I got out of the hospital in October, 2004- I truly thought I would never smoke again. I was scared to death and really, really sick. But a month later, I started looking for Russ' cigarette butts, (I knew he was still smoking even though he didn't do it around me, I could smell it on him.) Then one day I drove to the store, bought a pack of cigarettes and then down to the duck pond behind the church and smoked one. And nothing bad happened. It was wonderful. Except that I felt like crap by letting everyone down, I could see Rachel's face in my mind and I knew she would cry because she would be scared for me and I knew that Russ would be very sad and feel hopeless because his brother had passed away from lung cancer the August before I got sick- had emphysema, was on O2 for years and would take it out to smoke.His other brother has COPD and CHF and is still smoking.He knows how it is- sometimes more than I do- and he knows what will happen
But-I was smoking again. The one thing I did learn was that my former level of smoking - about 30 a day - wasn't necessary at all, but 6 a day was good. Then 10 a day was good. Sometimes, on the weekend 12. I never went over 13 (I'm telling the truth now) because somehow I figured that the magic number that meant I was "really smoking" would be 15, if I didn't smoke more than 10, then I would be okay. And I never smoked in the house, I made myself go out on the deck, rain, sleet, snow, so that made it better too.
Bullshit. It's made me worse and I know it. It's made me worse and that big dip in the flow volume graph shows it.
I have to stop and I'm really scared that I can't do it. Russ' doctor, who is my new pcp, has referred me to a new pulmo- I have an appt. with him next Friday. And he said he wants me to go in there with a fresh start, so two weeks ago he scheduled a half hour "smoking cessation" appt. with me, put me on Welbutrin (said I definitely needed an antidepressant anyway, so this was a good match), told me to go and buy the transdermal nicotine patches (did that today) I have an appointment with him on Tuesday, Russ is to come along so he can give his opinion on how the Welbutrin is working and also so he can discuss his own smoking. On Wednesday I am to put on the patch and that's it.
I will no longer be a smoker. That's what the doc says. And I want it to be true. (but I really want to smoke and not have it do me any harm...)
And there we are. I'm kind of stuck out here in the open and pretty soon, I won't even be able to throw up a smokescreen.
Help me, Cecil? Tell me what you know?
Karen
And I am very, very sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. After you get done being cross, please forgive me. I am truly sorry.
(creeeaaakkkk)
Hi Cecil, That sound you hear is my closet door opening. And this note you're reading is the toughest one I'll ever have to write to you. Because you'll feel like I lied to you (but I didn't, you never asked) and you'll think I didn't trust you (but it's me I didn't trust) maybe you'll feel like you can't trust me (but you can, just not where my own well being is concerned) and you'll be angry because I should have more sense, I know better. And you know the cost of my behavior, I'm way past the "risk" stage, now I'm just going further and further into debt to the piper.
Cecil, I'm still smoking.
I started about a month after I got out of the hospital in October, 2004- I truly thought I would never smoke again. I was scared to death and really, really sick. But a month later, I started looking for Russ' cigarette butts, (I knew he was still smoking even though he didn't do it around me, I could smell it on him.) Then one day I drove to the store, bought a pack of cigarettes and then down to the duck pond behind the church and smoked one. And nothing bad happened. It was wonderful. Except that I felt like crap by letting everyone down, I could see Rachel's face in my mind and I knew she would cry because she would be scared for me and I knew that Russ would be very sad and feel hopeless because his brother had passed away from lung cancer the August before I got sick- had emphysema, was on O2 for years and would take it out to smoke.His other brother has COPD and CHF and is still smoking.He knows how it is- sometimes more than I do- and he knows what will happen
But-I was smoking again. The one thing I did learn was that my former level of smoking - about 30 a day - wasn't necessary at all, but 6 a day was good. Then 10 a day was good. Sometimes, on the weekend 12. I never went over 13 (I'm telling the truth now) because somehow I figured that the magic number that meant I was "really smoking" would be 15, if I didn't smoke more than 10, then I would be okay. And I never smoked in the house, I made myself go out on the deck, rain, sleet, snow, so that made it better too.
Bullshit. It's made me worse and I know it. It's made me worse and that big dip in the flow volume graph shows it.
I have to stop and I'm really scared that I can't do it. Russ' doctor, who is my new pcp, has referred me to a new pulmo- I have an appt. with him next Friday. And he said he wants me to go in there with a fresh start, so two weeks ago he scheduled a half hour "smoking cessation" appt. with me, put me on Welbutrin (said I definitely needed an antidepressant anyway, so this was a good match), told me to go and buy the transdermal nicotine patches (did that today) I have an appointment with him on Tuesday, Russ is to come along so he can give his opinion on how the Welbutrin is working and also so he can discuss his own smoking. On Wednesday I am to put on the patch and that's it.
I will no longer be a smoker. That's what the doc says. And I want it to be true. (but I really want to smoke and not have it do me any harm...)
And there we are. I'm kind of stuck out here in the open and pretty soon, I won't even be able to throw up a smokescreen.
Help me, Cecil? Tell me what you know?
Karen
And I am very, very sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. After you get done being cross, please forgive me. I am truly sorry.
Monday, May 1, 2006
Karen,
First, I am not disappointed or angry with you. I did not ask because it is none of my business. I know you will think that I am being a little callous. However, one of the first things they taught us in smoking cessation training was each person who is old enough to buy cigarettes is old enough to smoke if they desire. I can't belittle you for smoking and I wouldn't. Almost 80% of those who quit will go back to smoking within a year. The only thing I can do is support you and tell you what I know that might help. I don't rant and rave about smoking because it is an individual choice.
Now, once someone asks for my help that is a totally different story. If you ask for help then I am obligated to try and hold you to that commitment to quit. Then I will get aggravated if you don't commit to the quit. Right now you are in the perfect place to quit as I see it. You have relieved the biggest part of your family stress. I assume you and Russ seem to be in synch with no marital problems. You have a DR who is willing to support you in quitting. Your health may have deteriorated some but you can regain some of that back. I will say that you won't get it all back and the longer you smoke the worse it will get as to treatments and hospitalizations.
Here are a few facts that might help:
1. Smoking will reduce your lung capacity twice as fast.
2. Most Drs are not compassionate toward smokers. Especially those with lung disease.
3. For the price of cigarettes for one year you can take a one week vacation.
4. If you continue to smoke you will end up on oxygen and then you will either have to quit or starve your organs of oxygen while you smoke a cigarette without it.
5. When your lungs have deteriorated to a certain point from smoking irritation will begin with a cigarette cough. All this time you are smoking you will have weakened the heart due to pollutants and limiting oxygen saturation. Then a prolonged coughing spell can kill with respiratory arrest.
I know
I have been there.
6. You are exposing your grand daughter and your daughter to second hand smoke. I know you say that you only smoke outside and away from every one. However, that nicotine will get into your clothing and hair. Every time you hold your grand daughter she will be breathing a little of the chemicals from your clothes.
The most important thing in quitting is to realize that it will be almost impossible and you facing uphill odds from the "get go." You have to find your own personal reason to quit and then develop a mindset around that reason.
I will give you a good one to start with.
Since you are starting on the patch now sit down and write a letter to Rachel and your grand daughter. Write it from the heart with no BS and tell them in detail why that next cigarette is more important to you than the time you lose with them by smoking. Explain to Rachel why she will be having to take care of you at a much younger age because those cigarettes are that good.
Lastly, I will never mistrust you nor will I ever blame you if you quit or not. That is not my place. You are an adult and responsible for your own decisions. I have a quit plan that I drew up in order to graduate the course. If you want me to I will forward it. Never feel that you can't tell me the truth from fear of repercussions and I will support everything that you do either way. I just feel that our friendship is close enough that you will care enough to listen.
BTW, if you accelerate your deterioration you may have to quit doing my job and I will have to go to work. There is some good incentive,LOL. Cecil
Karen,
First, I am not disappointed or angry with you. I did not ask because it is none of my business. I know you will think that I am being a little callous. However, one of the first things they taught us in smoking cessation training was each person who is old enough to buy cigarettes is old enough to smoke if they desire. I can't belittle you for smoking and I wouldn't. Almost 80% of those who quit will go back to smoking within a year. The only thing I can do is support you and tell you what I know that might help. I don't rant and rave about smoking because it is an individual choice.
Now, once someone asks for my help that is a totally different story. If you ask for help then I am obligated to try and hold you to that commitment to quit. Then I will get aggravated if you don't commit to the quit. Right now you are in the perfect place to quit as I see it. You have relieved the biggest part of your family stress. I assume you and Russ seem to be in synch with no marital problems. You have a DR who is willing to support you in quitting. Your health may have deteriorated some but you can regain some of that back. I will say that you won't get it all back and the longer you smoke the worse it will get as to treatments and hospitalizations.
Here are a few facts that might help:
1. Smoking will reduce your lung capacity twice as fast.
2. Most Drs are not compassionate toward smokers. Especially those with lung disease.
3. For the price of cigarettes for one year you can take a one week vacation.
4. If you continue to smoke you will end up on oxygen and then you will either have to quit or starve your organs of oxygen while you smoke a cigarette without it.
5. When your lungs have deteriorated to a certain point from smoking irritation will begin with a cigarette cough. All this time you are smoking you will have weakened the heart due to pollutants and limiting oxygen saturation. Then a prolonged coughing spell can kill with respiratory arrest.
I know
I have been there.
6. You are exposing your grand daughter and your daughter to second hand smoke. I know you say that you only smoke outside and away from every one. However, that nicotine will get into your clothing and hair. Every time you hold your grand daughter she will be breathing a little of the chemicals from your clothes.
The most important thing in quitting is to realize that it will be almost impossible and you facing uphill odds from the "get go." You have to find your own personal reason to quit and then develop a mindset around that reason.
I will give you a good one to start with.
Since you are starting on the patch now sit down and write a letter to Rachel and your grand daughter. Write it from the heart with no BS and tell them in detail why that next cigarette is more important to you than the time you lose with them by smoking. Explain to Rachel why she will be having to take care of you at a much younger age because those cigarettes are that good.
Lastly, I will never mistrust you nor will I ever blame you if you quit or not. That is not my place. You are an adult and responsible for your own decisions. I have a quit plan that I drew up in order to graduate the course. If you want me to I will forward it. Never feel that you can't tell me the truth from fear of repercussions and I will support everything that you do either way. I just feel that our friendship is close enough that you will care enough to listen.
BTW, if you accelerate your deterioration you may have to quit doing my job and I will have to go to work. There is some good incentive,LOL. Cecil