The Journal of 100 Days
continued
continued
Friday May 26, 2006 I've been away from my computer for almost a week, my journal sadly neglected.
I wasn't able to get online, and I didn't know how to fix it, and well, really?
that's been the least of our problems.
Russ' mother is very, very ill.
She is now living the last few days of her life
(it has been a long life of 88 years and it is time to go Home)
Russ has spent every day since Tuesday at her side in the hospital, I have been with them when I can,
but I must care for the baby while my daughter works-
his sister is with him and his niece and his brother,his daughter was there today and I will be with them for the weekend.
It is so very sad and so grueling for the family,
day after day,
my heart aches for every one.
I am worried for Russ' health while he comforts and cares for his mother and waits and prays with her,I pray for him and worry, and we talk every couple of hours on the phone.
This is a very, very hard time.
It seems so petty and self centered to talk about my smoking while we all are walking through this valley, but this is the journal of my addiction,
so I guess it has it's place.
Have I smoked?
yes, I have.
I have sat with my husband on the wall outside the hospital and we have smoked together.
Did it help me to cope?
No, I don't believe that it did.
I was simply returning to what is familiar to me, looking for comfort and calm.
Russ surprised me today during one of his phone calls by saying that he was going to use our family doctor's suggestion once this is over-
he will begin to use my xanax in addition to the nicotine patch to help him over the cravings for a smoke-
He will begin his quit again.
He sits by his mother's side and he watches her breathing begin to fail
and his heart is broken.
He is afraid for both of us.
very, very sad.
I wasn't able to get online, and I didn't know how to fix it, and well, really?
that's been the least of our problems.
Russ' mother is very, very ill.
She is now living the last few days of her life
(it has been a long life of 88 years and it is time to go Home)
Russ has spent every day since Tuesday at her side in the hospital, I have been with them when I can,
but I must care for the baby while my daughter works-
his sister is with him and his niece and his brother,his daughter was there today and I will be with them for the weekend.
It is so very sad and so grueling for the family,
day after day,
my heart aches for every one.
I am worried for Russ' health while he comforts and cares for his mother and waits and prays with her,I pray for him and worry, and we talk every couple of hours on the phone.
This is a very, very hard time.
It seems so petty and self centered to talk about my smoking while we all are walking through this valley, but this is the journal of my addiction,
so I guess it has it's place.
Have I smoked?
yes, I have.
I have sat with my husband on the wall outside the hospital and we have smoked together.
Did it help me to cope?
No, I don't believe that it did.
I was simply returning to what is familiar to me, looking for comfort and calm.
Russ surprised me today during one of his phone calls by saying that he was going to use our family doctor's suggestion once this is over-
he will begin to use my xanax in addition to the nicotine patch to help him over the cravings for a smoke-
He will begin his quit again.
He sits by his mother's side and he watches her breathing begin to fail
and his heart is broken.
He is afraid for both of us.
very, very sad.
Saturday May 27- I sat by her bed tonight and kept watch with my husband.
Earlier, she held her rosary beads and we all prayed the rosary for her and she smiled and seemed comforted, even mouthing the words silently every once and awhile-
and then she was gone to that place beyond sleep,
the deep, still, far away place of the very ill.
And I watched her.
And began to wonder, and to learn, and to try to understand.
I don't have it clear enough in my mind yet to write what I saw in a way that is clear,
but I want to make note so that I can come back later and try to understand more.
What she is teaching us is very important.
It's about LIfe.
We speak of "my life" and "your life" but that is only the part of Life that is contained within our bodies for the time that our bodies are alive.
Life is a force much greater than that.
It is not divided up into individual portions, one for me, one for you, one for my child, my mother, my dog, my plant.
Life Is.
An Energy, A Force, A Being Independent of all that Lives,
yet dwelling in all that lives,
for a time.
She lies quiet and still, without movement or awareness
(that we can see)
nothing sustaining her but her life lives on.
She is not struggling to live,
her body is calm,
the pauses between her breaths are so long that we glance at each other with questioning eyes-then her chest rises ever so slightly again and we see,
her life lives on.
Her life lives on for it's own sake,
Because it is Powerful and Precious and reluctant to let go of it's expression in this body that lies so still.
I have known always that all Life has value,
all Life must be respected-But tonight I am awed and made humble by what I am witness to.
Our bodies house a Force that is beyond our comprehension, an Energy that extends far beyond what we think we are,
and this energy pulses and hums all around us in every living thing that shares our world
Somehow it is Separate from who we believe ourselves to be,
and somehow, while existing independently from everything alive,
It Connects Us All.
Earlier, she held her rosary beads and we all prayed the rosary for her and she smiled and seemed comforted, even mouthing the words silently every once and awhile-
and then she was gone to that place beyond sleep,
the deep, still, far away place of the very ill.
And I watched her.
And began to wonder, and to learn, and to try to understand.
I don't have it clear enough in my mind yet to write what I saw in a way that is clear,
but I want to make note so that I can come back later and try to understand more.
What she is teaching us is very important.
It's about LIfe.
We speak of "my life" and "your life" but that is only the part of Life that is contained within our bodies for the time that our bodies are alive.
Life is a force much greater than that.
It is not divided up into individual portions, one for me, one for you, one for my child, my mother, my dog, my plant.
Life Is.
An Energy, A Force, A Being Independent of all that Lives,
yet dwelling in all that lives,
for a time.
She lies quiet and still, without movement or awareness
(that we can see)
nothing sustaining her but her life lives on.
She is not struggling to live,
her body is calm,
the pauses between her breaths are so long that we glance at each other with questioning eyes-then her chest rises ever so slightly again and we see,
her life lives on.
Her life lives on for it's own sake,
Because it is Powerful and Precious and reluctant to let go of it's expression in this body that lies so still.
I have known always that all Life has value,
all Life must be respected-But tonight I am awed and made humble by what I am witness to.
Our bodies house a Force that is beyond our comprehension, an Energy that extends far beyond what we think we are,
and this energy pulses and hums all around us in every living thing that shares our world
Somehow it is Separate from who we believe ourselves to be,
and somehow, while existing independently from everything alive,
It Connects Us All.
Monday, May 9, 2006 Good bye Meme. We will miss you.
