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The Journal of 100 Days
The Journal of 100 Days
Friday, May 12 Today, for the first time, I feel proud.
I guess before this, I was too busy "having the suffering" because I couldn't smoke, or I was considering sneaking "just one cigarette" (yeah, like that's how it works...) or I was feeling guilty for taking a puff of Russ' smoke...
Today, I feel proud.
If I can manage to make this quit stick, and it looks like I'm heading that way, then I will have really accomplished something for myself.
And what a relief it will be-
to no longer be a smoker....
no more smoking or wanting to smoke, no more guilt, no more smell, no more embarassment, no more expense, No More being ruled by an addiction.
What a blessing and I will have accomplished it (with a little- or a lot- of help from my friends, my family and my God) for myself. I received this post today from the Quit Smoking Now group at Copd International and it's especially good for today-
Quit Smoking Now
Use these steps, along with your list of benefits, every time the desire to smoke comes up.
1. Recognize what's happening: you're having a desire to smoke. And you can smoke; you're not deprived.
2. Then, remind yourself that one puff will take you straight back to the slavery of smoking.
3. Don't whine and complain because you can't have it your way - "smoking without consequences". You have to pay a price; you can't have cigarettes and your health, too.
Remember that you are choosing between temporary discomfort and ongoing misery. You can succumb to your desire and give in to your addiction for relief from temporary stress or you can resist the urge for the sake of long-term happiness and health.
Using these steps to face your addiction, you will train your mind to respond to the desire to smoke in a new way. Instead of automatically giving in to your desires, like a robot, you will confront the desire andmake a choice.
I am proud of the choice I'm making.
I guess before this, I was too busy "having the suffering" because I couldn't smoke, or I was considering sneaking "just one cigarette" (yeah, like that's how it works...) or I was feeling guilty for taking a puff of Russ' smoke...
Today, I feel proud.
If I can manage to make this quit stick, and it looks like I'm heading that way, then I will have really accomplished something for myself.
And what a relief it will be-
to no longer be a smoker....
no more smoking or wanting to smoke, no more guilt, no more smell, no more embarassment, no more expense, No More being ruled by an addiction.
What a blessing and I will have accomplished it (with a little- or a lot- of help from my friends, my family and my God) for myself. I received this post today from the Quit Smoking Now group at Copd International and it's especially good for today-
Quit Smoking Now
Use these steps, along with your list of benefits, every time the desire to smoke comes up.
1. Recognize what's happening: you're having a desire to smoke. And you can smoke; you're not deprived.
2. Then, remind yourself that one puff will take you straight back to the slavery of smoking.
3. Don't whine and complain because you can't have it your way - "smoking without consequences". You have to pay a price; you can't have cigarettes and your health, too.
Remember that you are choosing between temporary discomfort and ongoing misery. You can succumb to your desire and give in to your addiction for relief from temporary stress or you can resist the urge for the sake of long-term happiness and health.
Using these steps to face your addiction, you will train your mind to respond to the desire to smoke in a new way. Instead of automatically giving in to your desires, like a robot, you will confront the desire andmake a choice.
I am proud of the choice I'm making.
Friday,May 19 I began to look at not smoking in a new way today- and I think it was because I had a dream last night that remains just out of reach, lingering on the edge of my awareness...
I started thinking about the way I live my life, day by day,
the things that I enjoy doing,
the activities required to run my household,
how I spend my time alone and with my family-
and I started thinking about how all those things would change if I was wearing oxygen.
I know that I would still have a full and happy life, I know that because I have so many wonderful advisors, mentors and friends in the COPD community who have been using oxygen for many years,but I also know that I would have a definite "change in lifestyle"
The first change I thought of was the walking that I have been doing with my wonderful Beagle Boy.He and I have begun walking a mile each day, the past two days we've extended our journeys to a mile and a half and we've begun venturing into the woods that surround the pond. It was a little scary at first,I get breathless, but I know it's okay to walk through that, and I carry my inhaler- I feel strong and brave and free.
And sure, I could still walk with my dog using O2,
I would need to keep walking and exercising to maintain a stable state of health, but every day? for a mile or more? in the woods? The reality is...
No.
Because the light portable units that "fit right in your pocket" (that would be if you happen to have pockets like Captain Kangaroo, the rest of us need to carry a small backpack or totebag, I don't care what the annoyingly cheery respiratory therapist claims in her little pep talks) Those units require a hefty co-pay with my insurance.
The least expensive O2 prescription is the home concentrator that allows a range of 75 feet of tubing.Enough to go around the house (with connectors at various points) and out into the yard, but no further.
The next most affordable is the portable tanks that go in the little cart. Fine for sidewalks or outings, but not so good for the forest. With a dog. On a leash.
No.
And I'm afraid the other option is just too expensive for every day, I'd want to save those for trips to the shore and other "special times"
And that's only the beginning.
I found myself watching throughout my day, and imagining-
the small luxury of a daily shower made cumbersome by a "nose hose" for my air, putting on make up and combing my hair,
lifting my Miss Maya into my arms and putting her in her high chair for her breakfast, then dressing her and taking her to play-group and out to lunch...
All of it still do-able, of course, but changed. More difficult and changed.
All through my day-
I saw the changes that would come,
and tonight,
ah, tonight,
alone with the man that I married only six years ago.
Changed.
Perhaps I will need to use oxygen sometime in the future.
If I do, I will be grateful that it is available now as a routine prescription, unlike years ago when lung disease truly was a death sentence. I will be grateful.
Or perhaps I will never need it.
Without an acute illness or an exacerbation worsening my lung function quickly, I could maintain and keep up my saturation level on my own. I am fortunate that I was diagnosed at the "moderate" disease stage, I can take measures to slow the progression.
But if I smoke,
If I smoke, then my lung function will decline twice as fast as it will if I don't, and that's if I'm "lucky" and I don't "crash"-
either way,
if I smoke,
the odds that I will require supplemental oxygen relatively soon will go way, way up.
And since I've already won the "only 12 to 15% of smokers will develop emphysema" lottery, I'd say my ticket on the oxy-gamble is a winner waiting in the wings too.
I'm ending my day at midnight answering the oh so very important question for myself One More Time-
Do I want to Be a Smoker?
No, Sir
I Do Not.
I started thinking about the way I live my life, day by day,
the things that I enjoy doing,
the activities required to run my household,
how I spend my time alone and with my family-
and I started thinking about how all those things would change if I was wearing oxygen.
I know that I would still have a full and happy life, I know that because I have so many wonderful advisors, mentors and friends in the COPD community who have been using oxygen for many years,but I also know that I would have a definite "change in lifestyle"
The first change I thought of was the walking that I have been doing with my wonderful Beagle Boy.He and I have begun walking a mile each day, the past two days we've extended our journeys to a mile and a half and we've begun venturing into the woods that surround the pond. It was a little scary at first,I get breathless, but I know it's okay to walk through that, and I carry my inhaler- I feel strong and brave and free.
And sure, I could still walk with my dog using O2,
I would need to keep walking and exercising to maintain a stable state of health, but every day? for a mile or more? in the woods? The reality is...
No.
Because the light portable units that "fit right in your pocket" (that would be if you happen to have pockets like Captain Kangaroo, the rest of us need to carry a small backpack or totebag, I don't care what the annoyingly cheery respiratory therapist claims in her little pep talks) Those units require a hefty co-pay with my insurance.
The least expensive O2 prescription is the home concentrator that allows a range of 75 feet of tubing.Enough to go around the house (with connectors at various points) and out into the yard, but no further.
The next most affordable is the portable tanks that go in the little cart. Fine for sidewalks or outings, but not so good for the forest. With a dog. On a leash.
No.
And I'm afraid the other option is just too expensive for every day, I'd want to save those for trips to the shore and other "special times"
And that's only the beginning.
I found myself watching throughout my day, and imagining-
the small luxury of a daily shower made cumbersome by a "nose hose" for my air, putting on make up and combing my hair,
lifting my Miss Maya into my arms and putting her in her high chair for her breakfast, then dressing her and taking her to play-group and out to lunch...
All of it still do-able, of course, but changed. More difficult and changed.
All through my day-
I saw the changes that would come,
and tonight,
ah, tonight,
alone with the man that I married only six years ago.
Changed.
Perhaps I will need to use oxygen sometime in the future.
If I do, I will be grateful that it is available now as a routine prescription, unlike years ago when lung disease truly was a death sentence. I will be grateful.
Or perhaps I will never need it.
Without an acute illness or an exacerbation worsening my lung function quickly, I could maintain and keep up my saturation level on my own. I am fortunate that I was diagnosed at the "moderate" disease stage, I can take measures to slow the progression.
But if I smoke,
If I smoke, then my lung function will decline twice as fast as it will if I don't, and that's if I'm "lucky" and I don't "crash"-
either way,
if I smoke,
the odds that I will require supplemental oxygen relatively soon will go way, way up.
And since I've already won the "only 12 to 15% of smokers will develop emphysema" lottery, I'd say my ticket on the oxy-gamble is a winner waiting in the wings too.
I'm ending my day at midnight answering the oh so very important question for myself One More Time-
Do I want to Be a Smoker?
No, Sir
I Do Not.