The Journal of 100 Days
week one
week one
Wednesday, May 3
Our first smoke free day and I am not happy.
I am angry.
Russ says he is angry too.We want to smoke.We know we can't, but we want to.
That's the part of Acceptance that I am beginning to understand- accepting that I will feel that I want to smoke, but knowing that I have the ability and the courage not to.
Or at least I have the willingness not to.
I can pray for help with the rest.
the Serenity Prayer for smokers
Our first smoke free day and I am not happy.
I am angry.
Russ says he is angry too.We want to smoke.We know we can't, but we want to.
That's the part of Acceptance that I am beginning to understand- accepting that I will feel that I want to smoke, but knowing that I have the ability and the courage not to.
Or at least I have the willingness not to.
I can pray for help with the rest.
the Serenity Prayer for smokers
Thursday May 4
And today brought a letter of love and support from my Mom and a phone call from my Dad. I knew if I "outed" myself in my journal, my family and friends would see it, sooner or later, and there would be no more secret shame.
What I feel now is gratitude.
No one is calling me stupid or weak or selfish (all of the things I've been calling myself) What I'm hearing is "please try again to stop- we're worried and we care" I am very, very grateful and I feel that I have become both stronger and more humble by these expressions of unconditional love.
I will need all of these qualities to succeed in my goal of remaining smoke free- gratitude and humility and strength.
And love.
Thank you.
And today brought a letter of love and support from my Mom and a phone call from my Dad. I knew if I "outed" myself in my journal, my family and friends would see it, sooner or later, and there would be no more secret shame.
What I feel now is gratitude.
No one is calling me stupid or weak or selfish (all of the things I've been calling myself) What I'm hearing is "please try again to stop- we're worried and we care" I am very, very grateful and I feel that I have become both stronger and more humble by these expressions of unconditional love.
I will need all of these qualities to succeed in my goal of remaining smoke free- gratitude and humility and strength.
And love.
Thank you.
Choose Between Real Options:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only real options we have are these: going back to smoking with all the terrible consequences or not smoking with the many benefits. We don't have to like this reality, but we must accept it.
Focus On Benefits - Continually:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep in mind the specific benefits you are gaining from being free from your addiction. Keep handy a written list of why you are quitting. It reinforces our goal not to smoke by remembering what we want most: our breathing, our freedom, and our peace of mind.
today's "Quit Smoking Now" tip from COPD-International
visit their quit smoking chatroom, open 24 hours a day - Here
or the message boards -Here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only real options we have are these: going back to smoking with all the terrible consequences or not smoking with the many benefits. We don't have to like this reality, but we must accept it.
Focus On Benefits - Continually:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep in mind the specific benefits you are gaining from being free from your addiction. Keep handy a written list of why you are quitting. It reinforces our goal not to smoke by remembering what we want most: our breathing, our freedom, and our peace of mind.
today's "Quit Smoking Now" tip from COPD-International
visit their quit smoking chatroom, open 24 hours a day - Here
or the message boards -Here
Saturday, May 6, 2006
so what will it be, 100 days of 100 excuses?
Too busy to journal yesterday while we move our household around- I love switching kitchens with Rachel and using the "main" kitchen as mine- Our new bedroom is in place and it was beautiful this morning, waking up upstairs and spending time looking at the tree outside my window. The dog is confused, but the baby is taking it all in stride- she's the only one that didn't switch rooms, her bedroom remains the same... and as with any move, no one is sure where anything is, but at least Russ got my computer set back up for me and I suppose that I'll find all the papers and "stuff" that had accumulated on my desk over the past two years someday.
somewhere....
It's stressful, it's chaotic, and when I smelled the familiar lure of tobacco on my husband, his response was to tell me that he thought we should have waited until after the move to quit smoking. And for good measure, he threw in that he thought we should have waited until after the move to get a dog, too. Then I guess he figured that sounded mean and defensive, so he just sort of slumped.
And because I'm an ass, I smoked a cigarette too.
And because I'm a lying ass, when Rachel said she thought Russ was smoking again...and asked me, was I?
I told her no.
And believed it. Because just one cigarette isn't smoking? Is it?
Well, yeah, if you put it in your mouth and set it on fire and inhale the result of the combustion- that would be smoking...
Dammit.
How far down this garden path do I plan on going before I quit,
really,
for good.
Because I know there is no smoking just one or two, soon it's five and then six, and I'll be right back where I started again, fighting to stay at less than half a pack and trying to believe that is okay.
For some folks, it might be. But not for me and I know it.
There are a couple of quips floating around the groups about smoking with copd-
"Re: smoking and lung disease - when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging."
and
"suggesting" you quit smoking when you have copd is the equivalent of "your house is on fire, I suggest you get out..."
Ah, tonight I am tired and I am discouraged but I'm willing to get up again tomorrow andgive it another go. And that's all that matters.
I suppose...
so what will it be, 100 days of 100 excuses?
Too busy to journal yesterday while we move our household around- I love switching kitchens with Rachel and using the "main" kitchen as mine- Our new bedroom is in place and it was beautiful this morning, waking up upstairs and spending time looking at the tree outside my window. The dog is confused, but the baby is taking it all in stride- she's the only one that didn't switch rooms, her bedroom remains the same... and as with any move, no one is sure where anything is, but at least Russ got my computer set back up for me and I suppose that I'll find all the papers and "stuff" that had accumulated on my desk over the past two years someday.
somewhere....
It's stressful, it's chaotic, and when I smelled the familiar lure of tobacco on my husband, his response was to tell me that he thought we should have waited until after the move to quit smoking. And for good measure, he threw in that he thought we should have waited until after the move to get a dog, too. Then I guess he figured that sounded mean and defensive, so he just sort of slumped.
And because I'm an ass, I smoked a cigarette too.
And because I'm a lying ass, when Rachel said she thought Russ was smoking again...and asked me, was I?
I told her no.
And believed it. Because just one cigarette isn't smoking? Is it?
Well, yeah, if you put it in your mouth and set it on fire and inhale the result of the combustion- that would be smoking...
Dammit.
How far down this garden path do I plan on going before I quit,
really,
for good.
Because I know there is no smoking just one or two, soon it's five and then six, and I'll be right back where I started again, fighting to stay at less than half a pack and trying to believe that is okay.
For some folks, it might be. But not for me and I know it.
There are a couple of quips floating around the groups about smoking with copd-
"Re: smoking and lung disease - when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging."
and
"suggesting" you quit smoking when you have copd is the equivalent of "your house is on fire, I suggest you get out..."
Ah, tonight I am tired and I am discouraged but I'm willing to get up again tomorrow andgive it another go. And that's all that matters.
I suppose...
Monday, May 8
A better day today, with no insurmountable cravings, really no difficult craving at all until Russ came in and I could smell his smoke and I wanted some.
It's giving me another reason not to start smoking again-
I know that he holds himself responsible because he doesn't quit and he thinks that makes me do it too,but that's nonsense. We lived most of our lives without even knowing each other - smoking away the whole time...
Kind of like when he says that I'm driving him crazy and I quickly remind that's simply not so,he was already quite crazy when I met him.
I was already a smoker when he met me.
But he smokes much less if he won't smoke around me, and I won't have him blaming himself for what I need to do-
so there we are.
I'm finding that the Nicanon support group is proving the most helpful, maybe because I already have a spiritual bend to my thinking. I'm starting to work the steps because surely I am powerless and out of control where nicotine is concerned and It will require a Power much Greater than myself to restore me to sanity. (and even then it wil be quite the undertaking :})
To read the Twelve Steps along with a commentary on each,please click here
A better day today, with no insurmountable cravings, really no difficult craving at all until Russ came in and I could smell his smoke and I wanted some.
It's giving me another reason not to start smoking again-
I know that he holds himself responsible because he doesn't quit and he thinks that makes me do it too,but that's nonsense. We lived most of our lives without even knowing each other - smoking away the whole time...
Kind of like when he says that I'm driving him crazy and I quickly remind that's simply not so,he was already quite crazy when I met him.
I was already a smoker when he met me.
But he smokes much less if he won't smoke around me, and I won't have him blaming himself for what I need to do-
so there we are.
I'm finding that the Nicanon support group is proving the most helpful, maybe because I already have a spiritual bend to my thinking. I'm starting to work the steps because surely I am powerless and out of control where nicotine is concerned and It will require a Power much Greater than myself to restore me to sanity. (and even then it wil be quite the undertaking :})
To read the Twelve Steps along with a commentary on each,please click here
Wednesday, May 10 and a pretty easy day not to smoke.
The air is damp and heavy, drizzling and threatening rain.
I went for a long walk to use up some of the cooped up energy that Maya and Sir William have been accumulating over the past few damp days and I believe that every variety of spring flowering bush and tree has burst into bloom at once. I can feel myself sucking in moist air and trying to stay ahead of the breathlessness that comes with the moisture while at the same time my chest feels tight and irritated by the pollen bearers that line the sidewalks.
Sure, there's still a nagging voice in my head saying "I've got to have a cigarette...just one..." but that voice is easily subdued by the more accurate recall of how it really feels to smoke "just that one"
For the first time since I started on this journey of being smoke free, I'm not angry or frustrated today because I "can't" smoke even though I want to- today I can sincerely say "no...thanks....I don't want one, they make me feel bad."
The air is damp and heavy, drizzling and threatening rain.
I went for a long walk to use up some of the cooped up energy that Maya and Sir William have been accumulating over the past few damp days and I believe that every variety of spring flowering bush and tree has burst into bloom at once. I can feel myself sucking in moist air and trying to stay ahead of the breathlessness that comes with the moisture while at the same time my chest feels tight and irritated by the pollen bearers that line the sidewalks.
Sure, there's still a nagging voice in my head saying "I've got to have a cigarette...just one..." but that voice is easily subdued by the more accurate recall of how it really feels to smoke "just that one"
For the first time since I started on this journey of being smoke free, I'm not angry or frustrated today because I "can't" smoke even though I want to- today I can sincerely say "no...thanks....I don't want one, they make me feel bad."
Thursday May 11
Click Here for a few more quotes that help keep me "smober"
(yeah, I agree, that's a little too cutesy for my head too, but it's the nicanon version of AA's "sober"
Get it?
"smober"?
Don't worry, I won't be using it often...)
Click Here for a few more quotes that help keep me "smober"
(yeah, I agree, that's a little too cutesy for my head too, but it's the nicanon version of AA's "sober"
Get it?
"smober"?
Don't worry, I won't be using it often...)